Love is the greatest adventure.
Especially if we want to live our lives to the fullest.
It is the moment where true beauty overcomes our reason and will, our plans are torn to bits and choices get made and voilà, life happens. Though, it is possible that we can be seduced by what appears to be beauty, beauty is itself inseparable from the great leap.
Everyone knows the story: Romeo and Juliet, coming from opposing feudal families, should not have fallen in love, but they did! God bless em, it was a hard road.
I saw a movie once called Like Crazy that captured with accuracy the modern lover. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they fall in love. Their lives, however, are complicated, separated by boundaries, borders, and red tape. Anna is an English exchange student studying in America where she meets Jacob, a local resident. In the initial stages of their love they make the leap, and the process of creative destruction takes place. When Anna overstays her student visa and is subsequently barred from entering the United States, their relationship becomes all the the more difficult.
The barriers of their long distance relationship dismantles what appeared to be mutual self-gift.
Love without sacrifice, is not love.
Anna and Jacob had sparks, they seemed to be perfect for one another. But something was missing… no one dies at the end. Even when they are back together, they fail to see past the immediate problems, the obstacles. They both fail to make the leap that love is, the final leap, the leap that tears open to human heart so that it may become an abode in which the beloved may find a home.
You see, when children play at romance it is like a game of house. One puts the “wife” hat on, and then takes it off. The other puts the “husband” hat on, and then takes it off.
When adults live romance, people lose everything and gain everything in the same breath. People die and people make mistakes, but at least it is real.
True love is complete gift.
Look at the tragedy of Brokeback Mountain.
These men, so called lovers, would not give all of themselves to anyone, neither to their respective wives, nor to each other. It is not primarily a sad story because of the persecution; it is a sad story because love failed to give. Ennis would not die for Jack, and vice versa. No matter how good the sex was, without love, the story is heartbreaking; neither had the courage to give everything.
Doubtless someone will say, “But if there wasn’t any persecution, they could have loved each other!”
Whoever thinks that the point of Romeo and Juliet was a denunciation of social boundaries misses the story completely.
True love crosses any threshold, any boundary, even at the risk of death.
If it will not risk death, it is not love.
Love, however, can also mean saying no.
Take Anna and Jacob who flitter between commitment and noncommitment. If circumstance or lack of capacity prevented them from the ultimate gift that their relationship seemed to be leading to, prevented them from making the great and final “I do,” then breaking it off would have been the most loving action possible.
To hold the beloved in the land of “maybe” is torture and selfish.
We cannot say no to commitment, total self gift, and yes to the beloved at the same time.
It is a contradiction which would inevitably destroy the beloved.
We see this very destruction in Brokeback Mountain. Families crumble, children are left without a stable environment in which to thrive, to grow up as beloved. It is heart wrenching and brutal, and the longer the “maybe” exists, the more intense the destruction becomes.
I am not, of course, speaking against a normal period of courtship in which two souls discern together whether or not they’ve found the one. For that discerning is two people journeying together towards a goal, and knowing that the wild and ultimate freedom of the other is operative. It is a productive time of “maybe” that finishes at the appropriate time with a “Yes” or a “No”, and no nonsense.
Just as with any great challenge that is worth doing, “half-hearted” just does not cut it. Why should love be any different?